the beauty of suffering

suffering, with all of its disruptive torment, has infinite potential for expansion and growth of the heart. it offers the ability to bring us closer to others, to forge a connection with the understanding that others too have a heart that can ache. and while we can not fix anyone, perhaps we can offer ourselves as a witness to their pain, offering our presence and willingness to not turn away from that which is uncomfortable. suffering lays the seeds for the heart to soften and discover compassion for others who also experience the pains of being human. we all suffer though to varying degrees and at different points in our individual journeys. but if we can remember this, remember that each person carries with them both the weight and the utter beauty of this life, perhaps we can learn to view this as a common and binding thread.
k

i am waiting for the shadow of your heart to reveal itself,
waiting to see the place that respectable men dare not speak of,
though they all dwell there,
quietly,
at some point or another.
i want to see the place where particle rays can not penetrate,
where moss is suffocated and black,
and children's fantastic nightmares pale in decay.
undo your stitches,
so that i might see,
these unbearable corners of your soul,
so that i may decide if i can love those parts of you,
as i love all of the others,
for it is far too easy to want a man who reveals only his Grace,
and i feel up for a challenge.

Half empty or half full?

its not half empty or half full, it just is.

my favorite lover

i spent the morning sipping coffee, curled up with Billy*, my favorite lover.
to be fair, everyone is my favorite lover in the moment, including myself.
spontaneous and fresh
his words moved through my bones like espresso jazz fused with kundalini
i kept him on my tongue while the light grew from warm to neutral
and the grains of the day slipped through the neck of morning
i was paralyzed to all other tasks
his talent to romanticize so delightfully distracting
not romanticizing in an Ovid-esque way of course
but rather unearthing the majesty of cracked wood
there is beauty in the cracks, he tells me
our lives are unfinished floorboards collecting dust
they are not evenings spent at the Adriatic Sea
and, even if they were, there would of course still be
cracks in the sand.

*billy collins

And then of course there were there were the neighbors

I worried the mice would come for our crumbs,
It wasn't much but it was all that was left in the breadbox.

I refused to recycle and tossed egg shells on the floor.
My passive aggression became a performance art,
An audience of barely one.

We tended to the plants on the fire escape,
The ones plucked from the garden of my mother,
A willful intention to undo the past by trying to control the future.
In the end when they could no longer bend to light,
When roots sat parched and leaves hung heavy, exhausted in their grief,
We simply turned and threw them out.

l'arbre de ma mere

Standing,
Half-dead
In the marshes,
Roots grip relentlessly to Earth.
The leaves have all secured their own death though it is barely June.
Insects scatter in search of new residency,
Eventually, oxygen too will abandon this great oak.
Unaware of itself,
Blind to its own corroding bark and petrifaction,
This tree cannot see what the surrounding forest now sees,
Though it can feel it.
There is beauty in its ignorance,
Arms lift up towards the heavens
Saying silent, unanswerable prayers.
Branches stretch westward,
Reflecting on summers when the phoenix came to nest.
It has done all it can,
Which is,
All we really can ever really do,
Now it stands and waits.

staying present (childrens poem)

I try to pay attention to all that I do
Whether crossing the street or just tying my shoe
If I'm making my bed or climbing the stairs
I try to be mindful, I try to be aware.
I want to stay present but my thoughts start to drift
At times I can be focused
I guess it comes in shifts.
Its important to be aware of each moment
Since that is all that is really real
Its good to pay attention
To exactly how I feel.
Whatever the feeling
I want to notice how it goes
Are there butterflies in my stomach?
Or an itching on my nose?
Am I feeling very joyful or grumpy at this time?
Am I starting to get restless or am I feeling very fine?
Sometimes my mind starts racing about what is going to happen next
I'll start to get all anxious
Or I'll start to get perplexed
But then I'll remind myself to stay in the present time
Then I will remind myself that everything is fine
Whatever bad thing that can happen,
that's not happening here
It isn't taking place
Its just something that I fear.
Then I feel much better and can get back to doing what I do
Whether its crossing the street of just tying my shoe.